


Access Privileges

by Sapphy



Series: The Eternal Batman Universe [7]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Artificial Intelligence, Crack, M/M, Sex Tapes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-05
Updated: 2015-02-05
Packaged: 2018-03-10 15:49:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3296012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphy/pseuds/Sapphy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Batcomputer needs a way to distract Joker.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(Set during Chapter 2 of Tread Softly)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Access Privileges

**Author's Note:**

> This was written as a gift for themadhaters over on tumblr.

Vocal input: “If you don’t give me access to those files, I will hack in and take them, you belligerent hunk of scrap metal!”

Processing input. Analyzing input. User: Joker (access privileges unresolved) intends to attempt to forcibly access files marked high-security by primary user.

Internal query: does user: Joker (access privileges unresolved) possess the knowledge to access these files? Unknown. Likelihood based on Joker’s past actions… calculating… 12.57%. Likelihood of unsuccessful attempt to force entry by user: Joker (access privileges unresolved) causing damage to this unit… calculating… 68.443%. Allowing that contravenes this unit’s self-preservation imperative. Prevention required.

Print: Don’t even think about it, Buster.

Vocal input: “Think you can stop me, babycakes? Whatcha gonna do? Sass me to death?”

Processing input. Analysing input. User: Joker (access privileges unresolved) is incorrect. This unit has access to 452 pieces of external hardware which could prevent user: Joker (access privileges unresolved) from accessing high-security files.

Additional input: primary user: Batman values user: Joker (access privileges unresolved). User: Batman protects user: Joker (access privileges unresolved), expresses distress when harm comes to user: Joker (access privileges unresolved).

Additional input: stored vocal file #115723 “Can we be friends?”. This unit does not wish to harm user: Joker (access privileges unresolved).

Conclusion: non-violent method of prevention required.

Analyzing. Conclusion: user: Joker (access privileges unresolved) should be distracted. Analyzing user: Joker (access privileges unresolved)’s known interests. Results: violence, user: Batman, bright colours, Spanish language television dramas.

Accessing video files featuring user: Batman. Files located: 1,590. Dismissing files known to have been previously viewed by user: Joker (access privileges unresolved). Remaining files: 977. Dismissing files which match standard societal definition: boring. Remaining files: 349. Dismissing files with medium or higher security. Remaining files 93. Dismissing files likely to cause violent or otherwise unwanted reactions in user: Joker (access privileges unresolved). Remaining files: 12.

Ranking files by likelihood to distract user: Joker (access privileges unresolved) based on previous behaviour. Calculating. Playing video file #33095: Bruce Wayne kinky threesome sex tape explicit.

Vocal input: “Really? Porn? You think I’m… wait, is that Batsy? Are you showing my Batsy’s cock?... BC, don’t tell Bruce, but I think I love you.”

Processing input. Analyzing. Conclusion: distraction successful. Searching for video files featuring user: Batman naked. Files found: 11. Saving files.

Vocal input: “Er, BC, don’t 'spose you know where Batsy keeps the tissues?”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love


End file.
